Published: 9 January, 2014

ARSENAL
THE basic law of probabilities would suggest that at some stage something good should happen to Tottenham Hotspur. Something.

Even something small. Anything. It’s been 23 years since they won anything of any relevance.

And yet, like some sort of science-bending experiment, they insist on debunking everything that we thought was possible about the universe.

Their defiance, their sheer will not to ­comply, is quite extraordinary.

How can one club have such a run?

How can one club spend so much in return for so little?

The world’s brightest professors would struggle to answer.

If you were to set out with some jackalish lunatic intent to deliberately fail at the annual game of one-upmanship crossed with Arsenal, no human would be able to plot such a trail of silly disaster.

Take Saturday night, a prized night, an FA Cup north London derby which could have wiped away all of the distresses of the first half season.

But that abject ­performance, tactically naive, so wholly inferior, was a perfect illustration of their bizarre preference for failure.

So there Theo Walcott was, his leg half hanging off and still able to chuckle like a champion crower and raise a 2-0 gesture and smug eyebrows to those purple-faced, comically spluttering fans.

It was naughty but it’s impossible not to see the funny side.

Spurs, with their £100million of Beatles, were heading for the awful alarm of having to listen to Ian Wright.

Of course, it wasn’t Wrighty that had the most searing words.

Roy Keane trumped: “It was typical Tottenham, they will almost always let you down.” It surely goes against maths and logic, but he’s right.
RICHARD OSLEY

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
THEO Walcott was right when he said the first Saturday of January was a “bad time” for Spurs to face Arsenal.

Of course it was bad – half our team were out injured weren’t they?

Sadly, the encounter turned out badly for Theo too, and he now faces up to 26 weeks out.

Not 20 as he gestured to the fans from his pram as he was carried off the Emirates pitch. Arsenal supporters hope the children’s author will come back stronger in time for next season.

And I guess kiddies every­where hope that likkle Theo might knock out a few more books  while he’s rehabilitating too.

On a serious note, no one wants to see such a talent seriously injured, even one that plays for that lot and goads us Spurs fans by signalling the scoreline at us as he sails by.

Sure, it wasn’t Theo’s cleverest move – but far worse was the reaction from the away section. 

Can we really blame the lad for giving us stick? We lost, they won, even if he didn’t.

And if I’m honest, I’m glad Theo won’t be sanctioned for the gesture (come on we’d have loved it if it was one of ours). Just as I’m glad Southampton’s complaint about referee Mark Clattenburg went no further.

It’s banter, it’s witty and it’s often what gets you through when times are bad.

Of course banter can go too far, which is probably why only ex-footballers currently have the nerve to publicly admit that they’re gay.

Homosexuality is no longer an issue in many professions but the fear of terrace bullies means football still has a long way to go.

So well done Thomas Hitzl­sperger for adding your name to the roll-call of brave few.
CATHERINE ETOE