Published: 21 August, 2014

WHERE have all the Goons gone? 

Aaahh, football is back and boy how we’ve missed it! The season is off to a near perfect start. 

First the moaning Mankers have reminded us how bad they are; then the Goons, Spuds and Scousers scramble to highly-unconvincing wins against relegation favourites, which will set the tone for their seasons. 

Finally, Chelsea introduce a little known ex-Gooner who is unrecognisable from the grump who departed Arsenal’s new library just three years ago. Not only is Cesc Fabregas smiling all the time, but now he’s wearing the heart-warming perfect blue of Chelsea rather than the stranger-danger red of Arsenal. 

But even more fantastic than all of this is the news that the Goons’ PR department has been lying about attendance figures at Cashburden Grave to hide the fact that their ground is half-empty all the time. 

Even the Gunners’ faithful with tickets cannot face turning up to watch Arsene Wenger’s team of nearly boys consistently capitulate to all contenders. The same PR department has stated that there is “no truth” in the rumour that Arsenal have a new chant this season: “No one likes us – But we’re not there.” 

To paraphrase the Edinburgh Festival’s funniest joke: What do Tim Vine’s Hoover and thousands of Arsenal season tickets have in common? 

They should be sold because they’re just gathering dust. 

I thank you. I’ll be here all season. 

BRUCE MACRAE, NW3