Published: 30 August, 2012

I WENT in to see my boss the other day and said to him: “I know you are busy – but we need to talk.  I’ve been doing this column for ages, years in fact. I’ve tried hard at mixing humour and insightful points, almost getting there but essentially failing at both. Especially the jokes. Oh – the jokes.

Some people didn’t even realise that some of the things written in this space were attempts at humour. They thought it was all real, a unique way of documenting one man’s decline as he grows less and less interesting with each passing year. The jokes are the same jokes you could read in this same slot almost 10 years ago.

Every week it’s the same: Chelsea and Man City’s money blah blah blah have ruined football. With each tired attempt to ridicule teams doing better than Arsenal, we have lost another reader. Latest forecasts suggest only seven people will have made it this deep into the column… So, can I have a pay rise?”

The boss looked at me with incredulity and I was ordered to train with the work placement reporters. And that’s what Arsene Wenger should do to any of his players who arrive at his door asking for a big pay rise.

These are the players who have underachieved over the past half-decade. In any other profession, if targets had been missed and performances had dipped, people would not be queueing up at the door asking for £100,000 a week. Theo Walcott and a few others need to convince us all they have earned these golden pay rises.
RICHARD OSLEY

I DID my bit for Spurs this week. No, I didn’t join in the chorus of boos after the defence we’re told no longer requires the services of Michael Dawson but should keep William Gallas proved as leaky as a colander. 

Let’s give AVB until Norwich at least. Nope, my contribution was to buy a couple of jockstraps from the Real Madrid megastore using my new Real Hotspur club loyalty card. Those two reward points now mean Spurs have a 000.5 pence share in a Real youth player.

I think. And even if my silly lady head has got that bit wrong, I believe I’m right in saying that our fab new “partnership” with Real Madrid means it won’t hurt quite so much should Gareth Bale sign for them next season. It’s certainly made losing Luka easier to swallow. I don’t think.

Wonder what would sweeten the pill for Gooners should Theo Walcott take his Year 4 swimming medals out of the tumbleweed-filled Emirates trophy cabinet to place them in Liverpool’s dusty cavern or Man City’s barely filled chasm?

No one can blame Theo for fussing over a new deal. Especially when this new Arsenal side seem to be chasing their own Invincible record of 38 nil-nil draws. Even Arsene Wenger has shrugged that there’s “something missing”.  

But wouldn’t it be refreshing if, just for the sake of this insane game we call football and regardless of who you support, Walcott didn’t follow the money and stayed to fight for the club that made his name?

Or am I really being silly now?
CATHERINE ETOE