• FEAR not, gentle folk, we are on a great odyssey.

At times the nerve-jangling ferocity of it makes us think we are doomed for all time to travel on the City branch of the Northern line between Camden Town and Euston. But there is hope.

In a world where mischievous journalists and social media junkies enflame outrage towards everyone from Jezza to Randy Andy (not for things they have said, but things they have not) and humiliate our former mother Theresa for drinking from the chalice they have poisoned, all is not lost.

The machine wreckers and Luddites in our great house, who cynically pin their agenda on “parliamentary democracy”, have failed to notice that true democracy cannot succeed without the will of the people.

Our adversarial political system, which encourages boom and bust solutions to important issues, ignores the obvious fact that really big questions demand considered, non-aggressive debate and forward thinking.

If it is the will of the people to leave the European Union, a respectable period of 10 years should be envisaged to achieve it. It is anticipated that, despite blundering rhetoric, erudite charmer Boris Johnson will win the hearts of voters in the marginal seats, the ones whose votes actually count.

But do not fear. Whatever the vote, tomorrow (Friday) Little England will return to muddling along as usual. Lunacy is a cyclical phenomenon.

Sir Keir may have to take over the Labour Party. Boris may win the election and lose his seat, but Jacob’s famously cream crackers and can’t be put in charge. So relax.

Johnny Foreigner will not be turned out on his neck. The English have always adored exotic folk from across the seas. We shall continue to admire and envy them, and patronise them as usual.

Climate change deniers will return to school and learn from babes and sucklings the basic rules of adding up. The Scots may leave us. They have been running the United Kingdom for 200 years and never liked us anyway. So good luck to them.

Ireland may reunite if pigs fly. Far-off lands may be returned to their rightful owners and the Central Intelligence Agency will shut down Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

It will be just like after “The War”: a paradise in which we are happily broke and have to be rescued by the International Monetary Fund.

Now that it is possible to make an engine that is almost silent, we will say goodbye to cars that cost £4million and have the throaty roar of 1,600 badly-loaded washing machines on a spin cycle.

The nerve-jangling alert as the doors open and close on the bus will be silenced. The heart-attack-inducing sirens of ambulances rushing to the Royal Free will be quelled.

The throng in Camden High Street will stop bellowing in our ears and walking backwards. And Transport for London may even get around to fixing the Northern line.

Happy new year!

JASPER FOX
Gloucester Crescent, NW1