Published: 3 March, 2016
by RICHARD OSLEY

THE so-called big five Premiership teams had some sort of secret meeting around the bike sheds this week to decide whether they should break away into a European Super League. Just the thought of such discussions make you think: Who on earth do they think they are?

I mean is it really appropriate to be using the word “super” for any of these teams when we are in the middle of English football's weakest ever top-flight season.

At some stage, a Premiership winner will presumably be decided, once it has been worked out who the least worst team is;  a difficult enough calculation in itself given how awful EVERYBODY is.

There will be celebrations and bunting, and parades and medals, but this year's champions, if they had any self-respect, would hand back their prizes and declare the league void.

Look at my team, Arsenal: they've lost to Swansea, West Brom earlier in the season, Southampton, even Chelsea twice, and drawn against teams like Norwich and Stoke, and yet as much as they plead to be sent to a cosy spot in mid-table where they won't have to worry about the stresses that the Spring can bring an elite team, the sheer uselessness of the rest of the league keeps propping them up in the top four. If Arsenal won lots of their last 10 matches and somehow did finish first, could any of us, hand on heart, say we jolly well deserved that.

Yes, we'd be splashing about in the Trafalgar Square fountains long into the night, bloated on Tizer and pretending that we always had faith in Wenger, but deep down we'd know the truth. When out of our rivals' earshot, we might even admit that we'd simply been lucky to be playing in a league where being simply not that bad can win you the championship.

That last point is why this game of awkward charades they are calling a title race is such a wonderland for clubs like Leicester and Spurs, a previously unseen territory where the average will soon be hailed as masters of the domain. They had bad results this week too, but are still the market leaders.

Let's be honest, it seems an age since Arsenal actually won a couple of league games in a row. They are always not winning, and yet even the teams above them are so devoid of any obvious extra quality that they are racing away from the Gunners with the speed and confidence of nervous tortoises.

Arsenal, to be fair, said yesterday they do not support a Euro breakaway. But it's almost embarrassing, in their current form of sideways passes and bungled chances, they seem to have been asked in the first place. The only consolation is that the same goes for any other Big 5 folk around the table.