Published: 17 March, 2016
by RICHARD OSLEY

FOR anybody under the age of 55, today we present a cut-out-and-keep guide so you are fully appraised of what you should do in the unusual event of Tottenham Hotspur winning the league title. Take it as tips for the impending emergency.

The old advisory files on this, after all, are so old, the parchment is yellow and the quill ink is so faded it is unreadable. So in preparation for Spurs being named champions – as none of the good teams are playing properly – here is the updated recommended behaviour you will find at all good counsellors. Sellotape it to your fridge door; be prepared, don’t get caught out. 

1. WEAK LEAGUE

Remind everybody constantly that this year’s Premiership has been a battle to find the least worst team, rather than true champions. Get ready to recite that the big teams have had a season off. Dismiss the final placings as invalid because nobody was really playing, and tell everyone that the championship will simply go down as a quirk of history; like Red Star Belgrade winning the European Cup in 1991, and Greece winning the Euro 2004. They are to be branded as the George Lazenby of Premiership winners; a one-off that everybody knows happened but can’t quite remember how.

2. 1961

It is very important for you all fully to rehearse lines about it being way back in 1961 when Spurs were last champions. This is a quite ridiculous length of time and little quips such as “about time” will not go far enough in the event of a Tottenham title. Remind them that nearly everything in the world was invented after they last won the league: colour telly, The Beatles, plastic, this newspaper, the internet, your mum on Snapchat, the wheel; none of this existed when Tottenham last won the title. 

You may think it is beneath you but, for the good of north London, now is the time to indulge in patronising indifference. Say things like “aw, bless, you’re so happy” when Spurs fans celebrate finally winning the league; add “it’s actually really cute” on their parade photos on Facebook.

3. THE EURO 2016 GET-OUT

In the event of a Spurs title win it’s time to wish, hope and dream for an England victory at Euro 2016 this summer. 

Such a success for the national side will eclipse the domestic season from memory. Nobody remembers who won the league in 1966, it was all England, England, England. 

If England can become champions of Europe, everybody will be shouting so loud, it might just drown out their wailing happiness until Arsenal can get good again.