Published: 10 September, 2015
by STEVE BARNETT

WERE you watching Arsene? As your boy Theo Walcott reeled away on Saturday holding up what I can only hope was a peace sign. 

The Arsenal man came off the bench to score two goals in San Marino and then readily declared that England “can go far” in next summer’s European Championships. Of course they can, that’s the beauty of a knock-out competition. But was revealing that juicy morsel minutes after beating the mighty San Marino really the best time for such a shrieking war cry? If you go to fifa.com and visit the world rankings page you have to scroll down no fewer than four times before you find the lowly San Marino, tucked in between Seychelles and Turks and Caicos Islands in 193rd place. Scoring six goals against an international Sunday league team isn’t good enough, so don’t then make matters worse by declaring yourself world-beaters. 

But as Theo ran off holding up two congratulatory fingers – marking the number of goals he scored, not a gesture to Wenger about leaving him on the bench – I suddenly remembered that decision-making isn’t his forte. I mean, how can you take a man seriously when he’s celebrating goals against San Marino the same way my mate Sarge does when he scores playing FIFA? 

The next day the red tops joined in and went crazy, too, telling us that Wayne Rooney had equalled Sir Bobby Charlton’s England goal record. The fact that it came from the penalty spot didn’t matter. The purists will tell you a goal’s a goal, except, of course, that this one shouldn’t have been. 

The spot-kick was awarded after wannabe Chelsea skipper John Stones handled the ball, yet Rooney still had the audacity to smash it home as if UEFA officials were in the stadium waiting to hand him the Henri Delaunay Trophy. 

Surely when you’re playing a team of accountants, office clerks and shop assistants you could just pass the penalty back to the goalkeeper and wait for an honest goalscoring chance to come along? But no, there’s records to be broken and French holiday villas to be booked. 

That’s why when Raheem Sterling fell over against Switzerland on Tuesday night Rooney was there again to smash the ball home from 12-yards and become the country’s greatest ever goalscorer. That’s the reality readers, a greatest ever marksman who gets his goals courtesy of dodgy refereeing and wantaway wingers who have the same determination to stay on their feet as they do to show loyalty to the clubs that made them. Makes you proud to be English.