Published: 1 October, 2015
by STEVE BARNETT

AFTER raiding my piggy bank I have an impressive 53p in unmarked coins so my plan of hiring Michel Platini as my new fantasy football adviser is well under way. 

I’m not a complete lost cause, mind you. I mean, you don’t get to be sports editor of your local rag without knowing a thing or two about football. 

Like I know to avoid carthorses who have been put out to pasture, so no matter how cheap they make John Terry I’m leaving him on Chelsea’s bench. 

Two months into the season and if you check out the Premier League’s official website you’ll find the Blues skipper proudly boasting minus one point – although just how he’s managed to get that many points is beyond me. 

I also know that with dream team points only being awarded for league games, you should try to avoid those fatigue-riddled players plying their trade in Europe. So you can have three Arsenal players, for example,because they’re already out of the Champions League. I’m predicting that their formidable Group F foray will see them finish on just three points, so they’re out of the Europa League too. I’m just teasing, of course. You shouldn’t really pick three Arsenal players – because they only have one. 

And if Alexis Sanchez gets injured or starts day-dreaming of better teams who know what it’s like to mount a serious silverware challenge then the Goons could well find themselves joining Chelsea in a relegation battle. 

After watching Tottenham dismantle Manchester City on Saturday I wanted to sign up their best player, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find any linesmen on the website. 

I was willing to settle for Son Heung-Min just so that I, too, could cash in on all of those oh so original “Son shines” puns when WhatsApping my league rivals. 

But alas no because it turns out if you run around kicking the ball as hard as you can in the hope that it might eventually find the back of the net you damage your foot and end up on the sidelines. 

So I guess if I’m going to add goals to my team I’m going to have to go back to basics. 

So I’ll use my wildcard to nuke my team and bring in sweeper Wayne Rooney, who seems to be given a goal just for turning up at the Emirates Stadium. And Harry Kane, who is suddenly good again despite doing his best to miss an open goal on Saturday. Add any attacking players taking on either Sunderland or Newcastle and who needs Platini – I’ll keep my 53p for a Curly Wurly.