Published: 27 September, 2012
THE CROW

IT'S a silly world where everybody is written off unless they prove themselves within five minutes.

Loads of you couldn’t even work the photocopier on your first day in an office. So it’s an insult that new Arsenal striker Olivier Giroud was branded an absolute stinking, failure – worse than Lee Chapman – because he didn't score in his first few games.

There is probably some deep and meaningful comment which cleverer people than me, university professors, psychoanalysts, sociologists, them lot, could make about our universal craving need for instant success.

It probably has something to do with mobile phones taking over the world and text messages.

It's always that when clever people analyse the world. Technology. Because you get instant texts and tweets and things on your phone, you have an impatient need for everything to happen now.

Admit it. You've developed chronic impatience. You hate it when the person in front of you at the cashpoint takes a nanosecond too long. You stand up as soon as a plane lands and then stand there with your head cramped against the ceiling for five minutes before the doors open. You drum your thumbs impatiently at the Argos collection counter when buying a foot spa on Christmas Eve. And you got your knickers twisted when Giroud did not score within two seconds.

I pity you. Don't blame yourself. The world did that to you. But I hope Giroud’s goal this week can be soothing.
Richard Osley

‘OI’, screamed Gran on Sunday night, “Those wonks at the Beeb have only gone and put Richard Osley on MOTD2.”

She was wrong. It was actually Osley lookey-likey Freddie Ljungberg.

Sadly, though, the wonks had forgotten to tell underpant model Fred he needed to have an opinion to be a pundit. “What was that you said off air?” prodded Lawro after Fred had smiled benignly but said very little. Again.

Then that boring old Invincibles era was dragged up and Fred made a breakthrough. Shame it was to utter the word s**t.

Bigger shame it wasn’t an insight into the team but more about what Lauren would kick out of anyone who laughed at Ljungberg’s stupid hairdos. Or something like that.

The fun stopped when Eric Sykes-alike Colin Murray dropped the bombshell that a heart-broken John Terry was bidding a heart-breaking farewell to England. Oh the sadness.

How, we wondered, can the nation go on? Then we had it. Dry your eyes, Spurs have got just the player to replace him – super Steven Caulker.

That’s right, the boy-wonder has been tipped to step into Terry’s boots and judging by his performance when we battered Lazio last week Caulker is worthy of an England shirt.

He can defend and attack, and when he had a goal ruled out he didn’t launch into a finger-jabbing diatribe against the referee or start a sweary face-off with his opponents; he got on with his job.

Now that’s my kind of England player.
Catherine Etoe