Published: 10 January, 2013

I’VE cracked it. Well done me. I can today reveal the solution as to why Arsenal’s defence acts like a gibbering, panic-faced wall of blancmange every week despite supposedly playing for a top Premier League team. I’ll explain.
It’s not ineptitude, as some of you have supposed. A wise old puffin like Arsene Wenger surely wouldn’t play four inept defenders at the same time. He’s not Ossie Ardiles /Jacques Santini/ Juande Ramos/ insert the name of any Spurs manager from the last 20 years. The explanation runs deeper.
A long time ago now, before Chelsea were any good/ had any money, before Facebook and before the rising of Miranda Hart, Arsenal were known as “boooring, boooring Arsenal”. This criticism hurt but it was true. Nearly 20 years ago Arsenal won the Cup Winners Cup by winning every match 1-0.  Ian Wright would score and then David Seaman and the defence would keep the opposition out. It was the dullest way to win.
It’s now become clear to me, and herein lies the rub, that the current Arsenal defence have researched this period and have signed a midnight pledge they shall never fall victim to the same cutting accusation, that they shall never be boooring boooring Arsenal.
In a blood-inked pact, they have decided there must be more goals and more last-gasp drama. Once you understand this, it all becomes so clear. So against Swansea, the defence saw it was all looking too simple and got to work. ‘Drama, we need drama, we’re not boooring’. And so out came the ol’ “zonal marking” magic trick and –huzzah – there were goals. And drama. Interesting. Interesting, interesting Arsenal.

richard osley

JANUARY is usually the silliest month in the football calendar and things are already shaping up nicely.
They say Harry ‘Bagpuss’ Redknapp plans to fly around the world to find one or two players for London glamour club, um, QPR. Expect him to go round twice then make do with a couple of old stagers from Bradford City. Or Aston Villa.
Then they say Rio Ferdinand wouldn’t say Dr No to playing James Bond. Even though Daniel Craig has already done the one where Bond gets a bad back and no one thinks he can do a job for his country any more.
And can you believe that 23-year-old Theo Walcott’s refusal to re-sign with Arsenal might be rewarded by a £90,000-a-week deal plus a £3million “signing on” bonus… by Arsenal?
Whatever next? England’s women footballers refuse to sign FA contracts worth £18,000-a-year. Even though they’re only expected to train like professionals, twice-a-day, six days a week? Oh they already have refused.
Who’s silly now?
Not Man City fans, who have opted not to fork out silly money to watch their millionaires play Arsenal’s millionaires.
And certainly not Spurs who have sensibly seen off lower league opposition in the FA Cup, beaten Arsenal to Germany’s under-21 captain and sent Fergie’s hairdryer into overheat mode over Zeki Fryers.
Just think, if we can manage not to panic buy a striker we might make it through to February without doing anything silly at all.
catherine etoe