Published: 29 January, 2015

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

IF you shout and scream loud enough, jump around and dance, and shout some more and say how happy you are a thousand times, then we might just believe… no, stop right there, actually no amount of theatrical celebration from José Mourinho and his Chelsea colleagues is going to fool anyone, not least their own fans, that it’s all okay that they got knocked out of the FA Cup against Bradford. At home, with a two-goal start. 

Yeee, hee, yeee, we’re going to Wembley, they squealed after beating Liverpool on Tuesday, as if nobody had told them that we were now talking about the real offal of cup football, the League Cup. The Rumbelows Cup. The Mr. M. Mouse Cup. The Reserves Cup. The Muggy Mugman’s cup. The Nobody Remembers Who Last Won It Cup. The English Europa League cup. The Slick Of Sick Cup. Really…

If anybody thinks, getting to the final of such a competition makes amends for Bradford – oh, Bradford, sweet Bradford – then Jose has pulled his biggest con trick yet. Even bigger than selling David Luiz for £50million.

With their try-hard celebrations, Chelsea immediately demoted themselves to the same rung as Tottenham, who, bless them, on Wednesday night, after squeaking past lowly Sheffield United (despite having two matches to hammer them), brought out “We’re off to Wembley” banners for the players to parade around Bramall Lane like a team that had won a lower league play-off. It’s 25 years since Spurs last won a major trophy. It’s not a great look for Chelsea to imitate. 

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

I’D like to have filled most of this week’s column with a mickey take of Chelsea after they were shamed and embarrassed by a Division Three side in the FA Cup. 

I hoped to be able to say that if you’re going to crash out in the 4th round at home at least lose to a side in the same division as you. 

I was even going to add that Bantams’ fans had no need to thank Spurs, even if we did soften up Fur Coat No Knickers FC with that 5-3 victory we pulled off in the league. 

But I’m writing this before Tottenham face League One side Sheffield Utd at Bramall Lane in the second leg of the League Cup. So it’s probably best not to try a cunning switcheroonie just in case us Spurs fans go to bed on Wednesday night feeling as ashamed and embarrassed as Chelsea fans did on Saturday. 

Our boys would have to be completely outplayed and rubbish for us to feel quite as ashamed and embarrassed as that, of course, but these things happen. Just ask a Moan City supporter after their team lost 2-0 at home to Middlesbrough in the same competition on Saturday. 

Not that I’m going to go into that disaster of a result for the Berties, what with me writing this before Tottenham face the Blades and everything. 

Nope, I’ll just say that I’m sorry neither Manchester City nor Chelsea will achieve their dream of a treble/quadruple this season. 

And send congratulations to the plucky sides from divisions two and three who made that possible. 

Giantkillers, eh? Every cup run needs them. 

Except the League Cup that is…