ARSENAL
SO, I guess this is goodbye Sir Alex, you’ve been a wonderful bad guy in our never-ending football movie. A panto spoilsport who, in the end, has enriched some of our lives without us even realising.

There’s no fun in football, no fun in any of it if there’s no ultimate end-of-level boss to try and topple. Ferguson perfectly filled that role with every niggly throwaway comment he made. And you know what? I’ve developed a spot of that Stockholm Syndrome for the cud-chewing old curmudgeon, even though he’s stolen our dreams for so long now.

I think I might actually miss him. Certainly, the odd time, and it’s not often now admittedly, that Arsenal have a sunny day and actually beat Manchester United it won’t be as fun without him there. Wiping the smirk from his face was one of the great challenges. It was half the fun of it all.

Remember when it all got too much for Kevin Keegan? If you liked the “I’ll love it if we beat them” clip, it’s actually an admiration for what Ferguson was capable of injecting into the game: great mental drama. And like an evil genius from a film, he’d always come back. He’d retire and unretire.

He’d win 8-2. He’d steal our best player. If Arsenal (or anybody else) won the league, there he’d be the next season winning it back. The bully.

He never managed winning the league without losing a game though.

Still, fact is, we all needed someone to boo and hiss at the weekend.

With his grinchy face and broken stopwatch, he played that part so well. We might miss him more than we think for that.
RICHARD OSLEY

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
GRAN and her Spurs pals Marge and Betty returned from their annual rave up in Ibiza late on Wednesday night.

They’d spent the week cadging lifts into town from young men on scooters and getting sozzled on Tia Maria until the early hours. Which meant they had missed out on all the footy news and they wanted and update.

So I did my best. First I told them how Fur Coat No Knickers FC got into some cup final and now Emmanuel Adebayor is officially the most unpopular player at their OAP club.

Then I said how Spurs almost dropped points but Gareth Bale rescued us (again) and now everyone at their OAP club reckons we should flog him off for £80million if it means we can pay off Adebayor.

I also told them how Arsenal held on for 89 minutes to beat the worst team in the league a boring 1-0 and yet Wotsit Szczesny still had the cheek to say that Spurs don’t have the quality to finish in the top four. And finally I told them that David Luiz did the dying fly at Moan Utd and smiled like he’d just won the Champions League lottery for the club that has no style, substance or knickers.

“But what about that game at their place?” they said. “What happened then?” they pleaded, their voices still gravelly after a farewell night on the tiles with three Spanish waiters.

Oh, that? Well, it was end-to-end, Ade played a blinder, your OAP club now want to keep him and Szczesny learnt the meaning of the word quality.
Only problem is, we drew. So it’s squeaky bums all the way.

Welcome back Gran!
CATHERINE ETOE