Published: 20 March 2014
 

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

IT might be time to recall Agent Sherwood to base before he is rumbled, but it’s been more fun to keep him in there, pressing all the buttons in the Spurs control room, not knowing what any of them does, firing off a few Chadlis for a laugh.

The boyhood Arsenal fan has certainly done us proud so far and Sunday was no exception. Another north London derby victory – three in one season, feel spoilt – and that little touch by Tim of throwing the gilet down in apparent disgust that Arsenal were winning? Magnificent! It wasn’t in the brief, was not asked for, but a lovely little bonus. I’m really, really angry now, he wanted us all to believe as we watched Arsenal thrust into an early lead. And yet we know the truth: we’ve all seen the internet clip where Tim Sherwood talks about how he likes to see Arsenal “do well” and how his dad’s a right old Gooner.

I like Tim Sherwood: wonderful bulgy eyes and brutal honesty about how Tottenham have under-performed. Imagine if Arsene Wenger had shown the same plainspeak over the years – “Yes, I agree with you all, Emmanuel Eboue doesn’t look like maturing into a Premier League title winner but all the dosh is in that big hunk of a new stadium over there – you get me?”

And yet for all his frankness, Sherwood doesn’t half speak some spaghetti. Arsenal’s win “papered over the cracks”, he parped after watching the man who really should be writing this crowing column every week, keeper Wojciech Szczesny, taking selfies at the dancing away end. Agent Tim, my dear fool, those cracks were Walcott, Ramsey, Wilshere and Ozil, Arsenal’s four best players all injured. And still, even without them, Tottenham could not find a way through.
 

TOTTENHAM by Dan Carrier

FROM plain bad luck to self-inflicted agony, this season has been rife with moans and groans. Here’s how we can survive the last nine games without getting our shorts in a twist.

PLAYERS: When the ref blows the small, silver shrilly thing in his gob, that means the game has started, kapeesh?

MANAGER: While I understand the element of surprise is a crucial form of attack, players have positions for a reason. Sticking your left footers on the right and your wingers through the middle simply doesn’t work.

FANS: Don't get excited when we get a corner. The last one we scored from was via an Anderton-to-Sheringham combo. If you want to watch one of those, go to a Veterans XI game.

PLAYERS: Sherwood may be called a PE teacher by crueller elements, but I recall Mr Brewer, late of William Ellis School. When he said you run through the snow to Kenwood, you did it.

MANAGER: Fans are laughing at your gilet. It looks like you’ve had a rummage through the remaindered stock at the Spurs Shop. Suit and tie please.
FANS: Why are you calling it a gilet? It’s a body warmer.

PLAYERS: Want to secure yourself a move to a club in the Champions League? Try proving you’re worth it first.

MANAGER: Honesty is not always the best policy. Look at Wenger’s press conferences.

FANS: Enjoy our lovely little ground and be patient about the “Naming Rights Here” arena.

Finally. . . CHAIRMAN: George Graham, one of our bigger errors, once said making a mistake and not correcting it means you’ve made two mistakes. So can you get the managerial selection right first time.