Published: 18 September, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

THE joke is: Manchester United should not just be allowed to go out and spend loads of money and buy seventh place. 

Badum-tish. And yet after years of their fans being rather holy-hoo-hah in their criticism of Manchester City’s obscene spending on players and wages, it looks like Man United are themselves are purchasing a lot more than upper mid table.  

Suddenly these awful old baddies, Manchester United, look like they will be hard to stop again, suited with all those expensive new signings. Watching their mini-galacticos destroy QPR and Rio Ferdinand on Sunday, you just wished the super fun of the Moyes era had lasted just a teensy bit longer. 

When United looked slain – and you knew they weren’t playing well because the home fans started wearing the yellow and green scarves that you don’t see when the team’s winning – they must have just been playing dead. For the monster is now coming back worse than before. In fact, we may just have 2013/14 to tell future generations about. So, remember it while you can, that time Manchester United were quite simply rubbish. It was a glimpse of such glory: the country was at peace with itself, there were street parties, you never saw anyone frowning, and it never rained when United were rubbish, there was a Royal baby, and the city smog smelt like fresh lavender, it was chips for dinner every night, Danny Zuko got together with Sandy, and Miles with Anna. Arsenal and Spurs fans laughed together. At the, Yes, it was the best of times when United were rubbish. But now, through no other craft than spending gazillions, they are heading back to their beastly best again. It was such fun while it lasted. 

SPURS by Dan Carrier

WHAT makes a good captain? This week the question has been asked by the Spurs family, as Mauricio Pochettino announced Younes Kaboul would take the arm band, so what inspirations can Kabs draw on as he rallies the troops? 

Danny Blanchflower’s tactics: Bill Nick said Blanchflower’s ability to read the game made him the perfect voice to take his philosophy onto the pitch. Kabs, get an Argentine dictionary and decipher what Poch wants so you can remind those around you mid-game. Dave Mackay’s leading by example. If you saw Mackay make a tackle, you would be far too scared to shirk any work load. Kabs must do the same. Steve Perryman’s longevity. The club skipper made his debut in 1969 and left Spurs in 1986. He never wimped out. Kabs may need to have a quiet word with the doctors who built the Six Million Dollar man. Ledley King’s organisational skills. While being quietly spoken, Ledley not only could marshal the back four merely through osmosis, he could organise a great post-cup winning party at Secrets in Gants Hill, as pictures post the Carling Cup victory showed. Kabs can always ask Led for the number for the people who do the Secrets guest list. Scott Parker’s haircut. A role model on the pitch, he also fashioned a 1950s barnet that caught on in playgrounds across the country. Kabs – they do a good short back and sides at Aaron Biber’s High Road barbers shop. Michael Dawsons’ handwriting. While he was off the pace for two years, Dawsons made up for it by always, always, stopping to chat to fans. Just scribble YK and smile into the phone cameras, Kabs, and you’ll not go far wrong.