Published: 26 September, 2013

ARSENAL
ZOWEY! Look at the Tottenham Spurs really go.

It transpires that spending £100million is a shortcut to winning a few matches after all… even if all of Tottenham’s league wins so far this season have been against teams newly promoted in the past three years.

Ignore my churlishness, like I said: Zowey! Bravo! Super and well done! Those Spurs are really firing.

Of course, though, and I hate to bring this up: it must just be a tad annoying, the cause of a smidgeon of irritation, a teeny-tiny gloss remover of sorts, for Spurs to find themselves starting the season like greyhounds, racing ahead of all but one team in the standings, but then finding that one team, of all teams, is Arsenal.

Oh bloody old Arsenal. There again. Always bloody there.

I’m not a psychoanalyst. I have no qualifications in the field of brain science and it’s not for me to gauge the inner emotions of the Tottenham fans.

But, even now, at the end of September, there must be that sinking, clanking, horrible “not bloody Arsenal again” thought prickling the insides.

Underachievers for too long, Spurs fans should be revelling in being second and being among the pace-setters, but every time they look at the table to admire their hard work, there’s bloody Arsenal up top.

One ahead.

That has to temper the uncontrolled delight they have felt after brave and courageous wins against Crystal Palace and Norwich, and the majestic overcoming of the dangerously brilliant Tromso.

Take your screenshots of that table now!
RICHARD OSLEY

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
CLEAR the rubbish in your head, be less empty in your brain and pay your fines on time.

All wise words but none of them could help Paolo Di Canio keep his job once he’d told fans through the medium of mime that they had fat guts and double chins.

Hang on, I’m wrong.

Having watched the match again I think what Paolo Di Canio was actually saying with his hands to the fans was that Paolo Di Canio apologises for the rubbish football played under Paolo Di Canio this season, but that the supporters should cheer up because at least their manager is Paolo Di Canio and not that boring bloke with thick glasses and no Plan B called Martin.

Oh dear, I think I may have gone a bit awry there towards the end.

Truth is, I got bored with watching Paolo Di Canio and his silly antics so I made that last bit up. Which is so unprofessional of me that I might fine myself for having an empty brain full of rubbish.

No, that doesn’t work either.

What does work is the team whose manager can gesture at the fans without fearing he’ll just get two-finger salutes in return.

That’s right, thanks to wise spending, Spurs finally have depth in squad, are top of the table, winning not losing in the dying minutes and banging in the goals in the cups.

Sure, Arsenal seem to be doing OK with their £43million single signing Mesut Ozil yanking the strings. But even the most empty-headed fan knows a one-man team isn’t going to cut the top-flight mustard this season. Just ask a Man United supporter after their van Persie-less Sunday.

If you can find one that is…
CATHERINE ETOE