Published: 6 November, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

WATCHING, like sooty-faced Dickens characters at a Christmas window, Spurs fans still clearly tune into the Champions League. 

The glorious theme tune rolls around their skulls, without it ever being played at White Hart Lane. We know they watch, despite the dangerous levels of envy it must generate in them, because when Arsenal drew against Anderlecht on Tuesday night there they were, ecstatic, seriously ecstatic, tweeting, back-slapping, ordering extra drinks, and being just downright delighted.

The next day I heard fireworks across the north London sky. Take a look at yourself, guys, and then get back to your Thursday night league duties. I was thinking  when Villa were playing Tottenham, you had essentially two very average teams – proof: Emmanuel Adebayor’s performance – who have spent years prattling on about what ‘big’ clubs they are without supplying any real evidence of said, promised, bigness.

Villa still nag on about the fact they won the European Cup, while Spurs bang on about… well, it’s not quite clear what their qualifications for being this amazing big club. A league and cup double a whole George Clooney ago, and nothing of any real importance since 1991. Both are surely frozen in time.

So, as awkward as it may be, it’s under­standable that when you are locked in such an unfulfilling timewarp, one of the greatest things that could ever be is Arsenal blowing a three-goal lead. They didn’t even lose, yet the champers was out.

People, it’s a time for calm. For it won’t be long before it sinks in that this theatrical draw, silly as it was, will not impede yet another path into the knockout stages. Arsenal will be playing with the big boys come the “Round of 16”,  while Spurs will still be chasing a ball about in the YoureRopey League. Nacho Monreal should remember that.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

SOME called it a meltdown, the most imaginative said they’d blown it. The cold truth is that Arsenal threw it away. They threw away their chance to top their Chumpions League group and Arsene Wenger was annoyed. 

“I’m annoyed,” said Basher, just in case it wasn’t clear from his expression quite how annoyed he was. Looking at the brown stains dappling the tops of his Hush Puppies afterwards, I’d say he’d been annoyed enough to storm into the changing room and kick over a cup of Lady Grey. But then I’ve been known to make things up. 

True to tell, most Gooners were just as annoyed as Basher though. That or embarrassed. Cheer up, at least your players weren’t naive. Just a bit too cocky/showboaty/annoying (delete as … ). They weren’t the only ones throwing chances away this week. Wayne Rooney apparently threw away an opportunity to get the autograph of world favourite crooner Ed Sheeran by trying to sing a duet with him. I heard the pub cleared so fast when Wayne opened his gob you’d have thought someone had dropped a stink bomb.

Sadly, Ed was first out so no signature for Wazzer. Cheer up Waz, the world favourite referee, Mark Clattenburg, reckons Ed’s overrated anyway. Although I may have made some of that up as well. What is true is the fact that the player who seemed most wasteful this week was poor old Christian Benteke after he lost his head to throw away Aston Villa’s chance finally to beat Spurs. Cheer up fella, even with 11 men Villa would never’ve been able to handle Harry Kane. 

At last we’ve found a striker who doesn’t waste a single chance. Now let him play.