Published: 15 January, 2015

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

ROBERTO Soldado, he really is a king among men. May he wear a Lilywhite shirt for ever more. Y'see, even when we were understandably all a little disappointed that Burnley were blowing a two goal lead against Spurs in their FA Cup replay this week, our friend Bobby was determined that the replay would not pass without us all having something to make us feel warm and creamy.  Thanks to Roberto, in years to come, people won't remember that Spurs won the match. No – something better will be recalled from this watershed evening. In one inspired moment, he spread a fuzzy-veined feeling of unexpected, almost inexplicable ecstasy across the world, by conjuring a collective, unlikely amazement with what must be the worst, most ridiculous miss of all historic time. By scoring a goal from four yards out, Roberto no doubt knows, the team he plays for eats. But miss with the net gaping from four yards out, and the whole world feasts at such a wonder. 

And, oh yes, so it was, that football fans who profess to be enemies pulled down their high walls this week and watched football together, rather than apart. Their mean jibes at each other were put aside. Arsenal fans sat beside Chelsea fans, sharing stories around firesides about how hard it must have been for Soldado not to score. Liverpool fans linked arms with Everton fans, Real ones watched with Barca ones, that shouty corner at Crystal Palace with the flags and people with scary haircuts will have even been willing to watch it on repeat with their sworn foes from Brighton. Nobody fought. Nobody argued. Everybody just wanted to watch the same thing over and over again, together, that mesmerising miss from good old Roberto Soldado. 

SPURS by Dan Carrier

AH, January. That cruel month where nobody really signs anyone of any note yet we still spend 31 days looking on weird websites waiting to read about what people with absolutely no contacts in the football world have to say. 

Try it. Hover over your keyboard, tap in the word Spurs, and then watch as names barely known by anyone but the editors of Rothmans Football Year Books pop up. 

It is a cartoon world of make-believe. At least in the past we had our own Deputy Dawg Harry Redknapp to enjoy. We’d watch him lean out of his car window, bang on about this “triffic” player and that “triffic” player and then sign Ryan Nelson and Louis Saha. But no more. Poch will be spending this month improving what he has at his disposal rather than trying to overhaul, again. Therefore, the cartoon transfer world of Kaka-to-Spurs type rumours has featured those (apparently) on their way out. Erik Lamela, who is linked with a return to Italy, resembles Bugs Bunny – with a year out due to an unspecified back injury, and an absence over Christmas due to another niggle, his catch-phrase is surely “What’s Up Doc?”. Emmanuel Adebayor is doing a good impression of Scrooge McDuck: picture the forward lolling around in gold coins, shovelled into his underground vault by the various sides who have paid top dollar for him over the years. 

Vlad Chiriches could be Wile E Coyote – ever floundering after a speedy forward, and coming a cropper as he tries to catch them, while Roberto Soldado could be Speedy Gonzales, if only because he speaks a strange version of the Spanish that nobody seems to understand. In short, you might want to get used to the squad we have – because that's all folks!