Published: 23 December, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

THERE was a kid on television the other day cheering on his favourite team. 

He had a Santa hat on, but where the material should have been red, the fabric was blue. And across the white band at the front of the hat, do you know what it read? Preposterously, it read “Santa is a Chelsea fan”. Now, far be it for me to sit here and correct a child, who was unlikely to have reached his 10th year, but what a fantastical claim that is. 

The things they tell the kids at this time of year, eh? The clue is, of course, in Father Christmas’s traditional garments of choice. It’s the same every year. Red and white. 

In fact, I’m not sure which came first, Arsenal or Father Christmas. Two forces for good, clearly on the same side. The present guy is clearly of the Arsenal persuasion. And, as such, I have a wishlist for this year’s stocking, so that he knows just what to get me: 

1. A centre-back. Please, please, please can we have a great, panic-free defender for Christmas? It could be debated that, beyond Sol and Koscielny, Arsene Wenger has never really ever had an eye for a decent defender. Lauren was fine, but came as a ­midfielder. Most of the other good ones were inherited. So, Santa, can you help him out? 

2. A training guide for club captain Mikel Arteta. Any tutorial on how to pass the ball forwards would be fine. If there’s none left in the sack, just bring us a new midfielder.

3. Thierry. Don’t let him smile the rest of his life away as a Sky Sports pundit. Bring him home. Make him manager if you have to.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

HO, Ho, Ho! Who needs the EastEnders special when you’ve got football to raise your spirits this Christmas? 

Not us. In fact, we’ve been perkier than Cristiano Ronaldo’s brass shorts this week (and if you’ve seen his new statue in Madeira you’ll know that’s saying something.) 

We popped open the first window in our advent calendar of mirth last Wednesday, when Tottenham battered Newcastle 4-0 to reach the final four of the much-valued League Cup. 

We smirked when we flipped out the second window on Saturday after Spurs swatted aside Burnley. And we almost choked on our mince pies as we tore off the third window on Sunday, shortly after Arsenal had thrown away a 2-1 lead in the 97th minute at Anfield. 

We weren’t sniggering at the result – it’s our New Year’s resolution not to take pleasure from the abject failure of our rivals, and we’re getting a bit of practice in before January 1. We weren’t even guffawing at the look on Per Mertesacker’s face when Martin “Pretty Boy” Skrtel said “Boo!” then nutted the ball in for the equaliser. 

No, we were laughing with Arsene Wenger and Brendan Rodgers as they pulled out a couple of hilarious one-liners from their crackers in the hours that followed. “Bad memories made us fail,” joked Basher. “We’re gonna finish in the top four,” Rodgers fired back.

Well, we can only hope that there are more laughs in store when we prise open the remaining two windows on our festive calendar in December.