Published: 6 February 2014

ARSENAL

CHELSEA aren’t in the title race, peeps Jose Mourinho with a predictable unpredictability, living up to the hammy contrarian that the nation’s football writers want him to be.

Oww, Jose, you do give gorgeous quotes, those hacks must purr to themselves, while rolling over and asking for their tummies to be scratched by their ultimate press conference dreamboat. Truth is, it doesn’t really matter what Jose prattles on about, it will largely be swallowed up just as he wants.

So if you think our national football journalists’ main tasks on the days when a game isn’t on should be probing away at the game’s ugly finances, match-fixing and how the World Cup ended up baked in Qatar, look away now. They are too busy dutifully transcribing everything Mourinho says and presenting it over huge spreads. As if Chelsea, only two points behind Arsenal and with a zillion pounds spent on players over the last decade, really should be ruled out of the title race. Cardiff are not in the title race. Fulham are not in the title race.

Tottenham Hotspur are not in the title race. But yes, clearly Chelsea are in the title race. Yet we are force-fed him insisting otherwise. It’s a curious power, to be able to ask to be called The Special One, and everybody simply agreeing. Although it’s not everyone, is it? It’s just the journalists. Nobody refers to Jose Mourinho in real life as The Special One. It’s the chief reason Sir Alex Ferguson looked so shocked last year when Channel 4’s Jon Snow asked a few tricky questions that went beyond oozing on about this player being brilliant and that player being marvellous. They’re used to writing their own legend.

RICHARD OSLEY

TOTTENHAM

FOR all their smugness, fans of Fur Coat No Knickers FC ought to remember who they really should thank for their win over Man City. That’s Tottenham, the team that tired the Berties out in midweek so Chelsea could breeze along five days later and nick a 1-0 away victory. A result which, by the way, isn’t so special given that Spurs would definitely have got a result against City last week had Danny Rose not been incorrectly sent off on 50 minutes with the score at 1-0.

Sadly, it isn’t even any consolation to think Chelsea’s win on Monday means two teams are now capable of squeaking Arsenal bottoms in the season run-in rather than just one.

That’s because Jose Mourinho reckons his club cannot win the league this term. Not because they only spent £48million in January. Or because it’s hard to get big name players to gel even when loads of them won the Europa League together last May. No, it’s because his band of internationals are really teensy little foals who need to lap up more milk and practise jumping over bags of horse manure if they are to compete with the thoroughbreds trotting around at Arsenal and City. Strewth, no wonder his players were inspired by hearing the club masseur bang on about the exorbitant price of wintergreen (or whatever he really talked about) in the pre-match talk at the Etihad.

It probably made more sense than listening to a boss who is starting to sound like a cross between Eric Cantona and Michael Owen. Sardines to win the 1.40 at Kempton anyone? No, but I’ll give you Chelsea desperate to be crowned champions on May 11.

CATHERINE ETOE