ARSENAL
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That’s this week’s column. The full on fist pummel through the keyboard in frustration. Every letter must go.
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I don’t want to be thrilled by beating Barcelona at home and then get squeezed out in the second leg. I don’t want to smash AC Milan 3-0 and still get eliminated. I don’t want to be knocked out after being one of the only teams to beat Bayern Munich away. Glorious failures, they call these results on the telly. There is nothing glorious about them. They are unglorious, deglorious, subglorious. It just gives the management an excuse not to get better. aaaarghtyuasdfjihadsfgjkhasdkjfg.
You won’t believe me but I’d really rather Arsenal weren’t in the Champions League. What’s the actual point? So we can buy players like Olivier Giroud and plump up Theo Walcott’s wages so he doesn’t join Man City to play in their reserves?
I’d rather piddle around like Spurs on a Thursday night playing teams that can’t be bothered, like Inter Milan. In fact – cards on the table – the only reason I want Arsenal to qualify for the Champions League again is just so Spurs don’t.
This is what life has become. I don’t want it, but I don’t want them to have it, like some  bumbling teenager breaking up with his girlfriend but then trying to snatch her back because he saw her drinking alcopops in the park with another boy. (That used to happen to a friend, not me, alright!) I’d like to shout to Spurs: “You can haaave her.” The truth is I just can't bring myself to.
RICHARD OSLEY

Spurs
THIS week I want to talk about facts.*  We played Arsenal on March 3. Fact.  
We didn’t play that well but they were more hopeless than us and we’ve got more team spirit than them. And Gareth Bale. So we won. Fact.
On March 7, and this is a fact, we battered Inter Milan at White Hart Lane. Did I already say that was a fact? Well, it is.
On March 10 we travelled to Anfield. Fact.
We played better than them. Fact.
We made two stupid mistakes and lost the game. I am not playing mind games, just facts. And that, unfortunately, is an actual fact.
What were Arsenal doing while we slogged around playing competitive man-football? Mincing around the training pitch pretending to be Lionel Messi. Fact. Well, actually, that’s not a fact at all, it’s my impression. Which is as good as a fact.
Now I am not telling the authorities what to do. But I want to be clear. Arsenal not playing since the London derby while we play twice? I think that is not fair. You can analyse the facts and come to your own decision. But, and I’m not playing mind games, I think you’ll find you agree with me.
Unless you support Arsenal, in which case you probably aren’t even reading this. If you were it might mean you’re actually a Spurs fan. Which is not a fact but a very clever mind game. Which I’m not playing. I’m actually just moaning because Arsenal had nine days off. And I am nervous. Fact.
(* for clarity, the following is best read with a Spanish accent)
catherine etoe