Published: 3 October, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

THERE should be a new rule: if the scores are level in the north London derby, nobody is allowed to try and drain away the clock by time-wasting. 

If you are winning, fair enough – when it comes to the north London derby IT’S ALL ABOUT WINNING and you have licence to see out a victory. 

But if the score is 0-0, or 1-1, it’s downright pitiful to start trying to slow the game down to the speed of a 1980s cycle of Alan Hansen back-passes to Grobbelaar. 

You can’t spend all week boring all your corky mates about how you’re going to beat the Arsenal on Saturday night and then run it into the corners at 1-1. It’s the height of naffness. 

And yet, there were Spurs, who’d rather not lose than win, pleading for a final whistle, desperate for the match to finish a draw. It was awkward for Arsenal that with 15 corners and 75 per cent possession they could not score enough goals, but the time-wasting was surely embarrassing for Spurs, who not so long ago came to Arsenal in search of a win, whose fans wore “Mind The Gap” T-shirts. 

In a way Spurs trying to steal those the final minutes was a white flag in itself – just not one we can cash in for bragging rights or points at the end of the season. 

But if the match was a film, and you were writing subtitles for it, the screen printer would say: Tottenham Hotspur are 

running the ball to the corner flag… having accepted Arsenal are better than them and believe they will lose the match if it goes on much longer.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

OH no! I don’t know what to think about the north London derby result and the pundits can’t help because they seem to think we only got a draw because:

A) We have one of the top three goalkeepers in the world on our books (Wotsit Szczesny is one of the others apparently – I’ll buy you a Nice biscuit and a strong cup of tea if you can figure that one out! B) Arsenal could barely get one of their zillion corners to reach the box (a skill the entire country expects World Cup, FA Cup and Something-or-other Shield winners to have in their locker). C) Our players were too busy laughing at Danny Welbacao’s air kick to stop the Bull or the Fatted Calf (or whatever it is we’re supposed to call Alex O-C) from scoring.

Actually, I made that last one up but it’ll do for me. Anyway, everyone seems to presume we should therefore feel happy this week because: A) One of the top three goalkeepers in the world recently signed a five-year contract to stay at our club; B) The result proves that Arsenal aren’t ready to win the league because their World Cup, FA Cup and Thingy Shield winners had 69 per cent of possession, a zillion corners and scored only one goal; C) We get to take the mickey out of Danny Welbecao for a bit longer. Are they right? Dunno. I just know that Tottenham showing resilience under pressure in the final minutes away from home is definitely something to celebrate. Oh, and for the record, we didn’t need a few fluffed corners against us to prove that Arsenal haven’t got a hope of winning the title this season; that much we knew already.