Published: 25 September, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

FRANK still loves us, Chelsea fans insist this week.

Did you not see how he didn’t celebrate when he scored against us for Manchester City? Classy.

As classy, we must think, as Frank Lampard choosing Chelsea’s main title rivals to play for once you’ve left Stamford Bridge and need a club to keep fit.  

For if Frank had chosen any other league, he wouldn’t have been put in that situation, a fact from which we can only deduce that he didn’t mind being put in that situation. 

That situation being where Mr Chelsea, the Lord Mayor of Chelsea, President Chelsea, the King of Chelsea, Mr Chelsea the MP for Chelseatown West, ends up scoring a crucial equaliser against Chelsea. 

Just imagine if Man City pip Chelsea to the league by two points next May. Imagine. 

The Frank Lampard goal story was just one of some crazy football things from the last seven days.

Leicester City Superfoxes hammering Manchester United 5-3 was another, Felix Magath was healing Fulham players by strapping cheese to their legs, Liverpool found out their goalkeeper was better at taking penalties than Raheem Sterling. Abou Diaby was seen on a football pitch and, wait for it, both Mesut Ozil and Danny Welbeck SCORED A GOAL. And they were good, fantastic goals.

It goes to show that anything can happen, a small team can beat a big team, which brings us neatly to the north London derby on Saturday night. 

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

STREWTH! I only went away for a six-day Cheese Spa treatment on the fungal infection I picked up after playing footy in Gran’s tights last winter and this happens. 

What do I hear you say? Is it that Tottenham stumbled against West Brom to go without a win since the end of August? Nah, that’s just typical Spurs and stats like that have more holes in them than Emmental because we’ve still picked up points. What is it then I hear you cry? The answer, my friends, is that the football world has gone mad. While I lay ensconced in a darkened room on Felix Magath’s estate with slices of Babycham-soaked Edam between my toes,* Aston Villa went second in the league. Not only that, Liverpool conceded the title when it wasn’t even theirs to concede; while Moan United’s Beavis and Butthead lookey-likey manager van Gaal lookeys-likely to get the old heave-ho. Oh, and Arsenal will not win the Quadruple this season, it’s official. Not that I’m bothered about any of that, it’s all good fun, especially the fact that the Gunners have given up on the only title they were ever likely to win this term. Actually, scratch that, Danny Welbecao and Co are in with a chance of winning tightest kit of the season. Well done them. Title of saddest player-of-the-season has already been decided, of course. Poor old children’s author Frankie Lampard looked like he’d dropped his magic football down the loo after scoring against his old club on Sunday. 

Chelsea fans didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. We just laughed.

*Not really (Felix probably doesn’t have an estate. Although he does believe in the power of cheese).