Published: 24 April, 2014

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

THERE were some difficult decisions to be made when Gran and I got in from bingo on Tuesday night. We could either watch the repeat of Fur Coat No Knickers FC versus Atletico Madrid in some cup competition on ITV or tune in to The Man with the 10-Stone Testicles on Channel 4. Channel 4 won.

Obviously. But we couldn’t resist leaving the story of the man with problem “balls” to watch the team without any (I don’t set the schedules, readers). Admittedly we were a bit confused when we saw John Terry shuffling around like the brave bloke on Channel 4 midway through the match. But it turned out he’s only hurt his foot. Phew!

Sadly, Terry wasn’t the only one stumbling off a football pitch in pain this week. Poor old David Moyes did the same at Everton after Man United lost on Sunday. I like to imagine he’s been sitting by a swimming pool in Speedos and shades with a pina colada in his hand since being relieved of the title “the chosen one”. But somehow I doubt it. I bet, though, he’s delighted to see his mantle taken up for now by “Goldenballs” Mark II, Ryan Giggs, and the prettiest faces from the Class of ’92, Nicky Butt, Phil Neville and Paul Scholes.

I do hope they ask Tim Sherwood to pass on the secrets of managing a club you’ve played for. The answers? Why, salute your sulkiest player whenever he so much as passes wind; never wear anything resembling a bodywarmer; and be prepared to face the old heave ho the minute results don’t go your way. Good luck fellas. The way football works today, even you lot’ll need it.

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