Published: 20 November, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

IF it should fall to the Arsenal, the heroic Arsenal, the heroic Royal Arsenal of London, England, to defeat, on behalf of a nation, the marauding Bravehearts, then so be it. 

If there is no other club which can take up this mantle, this vital issue of inter-union one-upmanship against the auld enemy, then so be it. For it was Arsenal who broke through the rigid Scottish resistance this week.

Do you remember those mad old days when fans of a less-moneyed Chelsea sang “En-ger-land, En-ger-land” whenever their team played Arsenal? It was meant to be some droll point about a Gunners team compiled largely of foreign imports and making only a sparse contribution to the England side. It sounded more like a rush of jealousy from fans stuck with watchin good old Frank Sinclair each week. How sheepish they looked in the pubs on Tuesday night as Arsenal made and scored the goal that got England started. Yeaaah. Jack Wilshere. Yeaaah. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Yeeaah. We’ve got one over our friendly Scottish rivals.

Chelsea’s contribution to the international break? If we are mean, we’d say a clumsy own goal from Gary Cahill against Slovenia – but we’re bigger than that. It is ironic, though, that it is the Chelsea team which is now stuffed to the rafters with foreign buys, and expensive ones at that.

The message is clear when these international breaks come along. So if it should fall to Arsenal, good old Arsenal, whose players were largely overlooked or injured during the World Cup embarrassment, to lift this country out of the footballing doldrums, then so be it. Everybody, just remember to say thank you. Thank you Arsenal, our saviours.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

I ACTUALLY enjoyed watching Arsenal megastars Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Jack Wilshere in action this week.

But that’s because the Fatted Calf and Fag Ash Lil Wilshere were appearing in an advert. They didn’t just “star” in it as themselves. Rather they and World Cup hero Per Mertesacker also played fake idiot relatives. 

Now I know what you’re thinking – only a comedy genius would have the imagination to come up with a fake idiot relative. And only a proper comedy genius would have the imagination to carry it off. Well these two have managed it and now everyone in Gran’s sheltered housing block is describing them as football’s answer to French and Saunders with Mertesacker as their Wee Jimmy Krankie sidekick. 

At least if they do one day make a career as comedy actors, the nation might be spared from having to put up with them as pundits on football television programmes. I have to say though that despite their obvious talents, and those of contemporaries Joe Hart (who should’ve won an Oscar for his brilliant work with shampoo) and Theo Walcott and Frankie Lampard (who are both such marvellous authors for kiddies that I can see them getting the nod as future children’s laureates), Oh for the days when our  footballers were just footballers. Which may be just one of the reasons why so many people have bought tickets to watch England women play Germany at Wembley on Sunday – a chance to watch a national side play decent football in a grand arena without all the celebrity nonsense.