Published: 3 April, 2014
 

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

IMAGINE what would happen if Everton steal Arsenal’s Champions League place this year. Instantly, there will be thundering skies.

The Domesday clouds will fall in. It will rain for 100 years. Hordes of diseased rats with red eyes will stream through our city centres, eating babies. The Tower of London will sink into the Thames. Mumm-ra will awaken. And, of course, Arsenal will have less money than they do now, hurtling towards relegation after relegation until they agree to convert the Emirates Stadium into “luxury Islington flats”.
OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE.

In years when the actual Premier League title race has been more straightforward, there has been a trend of hyping up the race for the Champions League places to ensure people don’t go to the park instead of watching football on Sunday afternoons. Finishing in the top four is presented as vital.

Yet how many fans are now feeling a little fatigued by the cycle of qualifying, doing ok, and then getting knocked out in the second round?

Would it really be so bad to have a year off? “We won’t be able to attract the big-name players” is another Groundhog Day warning we hear every year, as if perpetual qualification has led to such dreamboat signings over the past decade.

No, the truth is the main importance among supporters for sealing fourth in recent seasons has been of a so-Spurs-can’t-have-it nature. Not qualifying would be too upsetting if it was at the expense of a team that perseveres so dutifully with Michael Dawson.

But if it’s Everton, not so much.

TOTTENHAM by Catherine Etoe

LIFE coach Jose Mourinho has a bigger job on his hands than teaching boys the invaluable lesson that they might get “punched” by millionaires if they don’t lob balls back on to a football pitch quickly.

He apparently needs to work out how to encourage some of his lavishly-paid Chelsea players to have the “balls” to win at hovels like Crystal Palace and Stoke as well as glamour spots like Turkey and Newham. If Jose manages to solve this most mystifying of modern football conundrums we’re all hoping he will do the decent thing and pass the answer on to Tim Sherwood.

That’s because our players seemed to be standing around vacantly looking for theirs in the tunnel at Anfield on Sunday and they certainly didn’t find them even if they did check their lockers at half-time.

It would be a metaphorical step too far to suggest that Timbo had them tied up in a silk purse and was sat in the stands squeezing them like prayer beads every time a goal went in. But here at the Crow we like to call a spade a shovel and that might not be far off the mark given our quite balls-less performance.

Not to worry, the wonks say we’re coming to the climax of the season, which is exciting if you support a ballsy club like Everton. But for us Spurs fans it’s an end that can’t come too soon.

Let’s be done with it and hope we finish seventh. I don’t care about playing in Europe next season, I just want my team to find their metaphoricals and show they care about playing where it matters most… England.