Published: 12 February, 2015

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

AS one of the country’s leading, if not the best, news and sport services, it is important to stay up-to-the-minute and fresh. And that is why, all readers will understand, this newspaper must really only concentrate on the most recent football results. These are: Liverpool 3 Tottenham Hotspur 2. Arsenal 2 Leicester City 1. The scores take Arsenal above Spurs. And that’s it for this week, folks…

Ok, we could leave it at that, but it would be unsporting to not at least acknowledge the now distant fact that Spurs got yet another lucky late winner and beat Arsenal way back when on Saturday. Although the horror of it all is hard to remember now, looking at the league table and all, it was impossible to miss over the weekend. Y’see, such is the rarity of a Tottenham success over Arsenal, the Spurs fans reacted as if a carnival had been called across the city. Their years of loathing pain, the hurt of so many regular defeats at the hands of their Arsenal superiors, was released in an explosion of uncontrolled ecstasy. Every millisquare of the internet was soaked up by some form of Tottenham crowing. They danced ’til the sun came up. They pre-ordered DVDs. Believe me, the maternity wards over there are going to be mighty busy in nine months’ time.

And of course, the name Harry Kane was tattoo’d into a love heart on their forearm flab, over the blotted out bit that used to say Gareth Bale and, before that said Sol Campbell, and before that said Jason Dozzell. The party was wild. They were above Arsenal at last. Then 72 hours later, they lost. Arsenal won. And they were below Arsenal again.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

AS Gran is a whiz on the computer, I set her a tricky task this week. “Brendan Rodgers can speak English and Spanish, Gran, so he must be clever,” I said. “But is he right that our own Harry Kane isn’t as good as his Daniel Sturridge?” 

On Tuesday, after Spurs had treated the world to yet another thrilling game, she handed me a four-page dossier. 

It was mostly gobbledegook but the conclusion was a shocker. Kane isn’t as good as Sturridge. He’s only as good as Luis Suarez. This time last year Suarez had made approximately 23billion people in the world “twitch their asses” whenever he got the ball. Guess how many asses Kane has made twitchy this season? Yep, 23billion. Fact (and I have the spreadsheet to prove it). Less impressively, the two men had/have both scored 23 goals by this time last/this year. But that’s less interesting than bums so I won’t bang on about it. 

Instead I’ll admit Brendy Rog is the godlike genius he thinks he is and tell Tottenham fans it’s time to Wake Up Stupid: Kane is not to be compared to Sturridge. Ever. Fact. 

Shame really, because I was starting to believe Kane was pretty good. But he just isn’t. He’s only as good as Luis Suarez. Which isn’t saying much at all. 

After that disappointing news, we can at least draw comfort from the Fact that Kane definitely isn’t a Gooner and we don’t need a dossier to prove it.

Just look at the sheer joy on his face when we beat Arsenal on Saturday. With such amazing goals and never-ending work-rate, who needs a Sturridge or even a Welbeck, Giroud, Ozil or a Walcott when you’ve got a Kane?