Published: 9 April, 2015

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

ST Totteringham’s chariot has been pulled from the heavenly chariot-garage. The wheels have been checked, after many, many years of use. The horses have water and apple cores ahead of the flight ahead. St Totteringham himself has combed back his wings for a perfect voyage. He just waits now for the exact date of departure. To think, it is only two months since Tottenham hearts were fluttering. Spurs had moved higher than Arsenal in the table and there was the inevitable crowing that this would be the first year in a generation when St Totteringham did not take to the skies over north London. But now the difference is nine points and Arsenal are second. 

With seven matches to play,  Arsenal need four more wins to see our angelic friend again. And this only, if Tottenham win all of their matches. Even though Arsenal have a tricky trip to Man United and a home game against Chelsea, there are matches at the Emirates against Swansea, Sunderland and West Bromwich at home which hold less fear. Tottenham will be tested by Southampton, Man City and an away game at Everton on the last match of the season. For these reasons,  St Totteringham is ready for an imminent adventure. Arsenal’s run of victories since losing to Spurs would be championship form, if they had not been so slow-moving in the autumn. A glowing team spirit has shone through the club since the away victory at Man City. They play more exciting football than Chelsea, having spent far, far less money.  A second place finish would confirm Arsenal as the people’s champions and have dear old St Totteringham smiling all summer.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

ME and Gran thought about going paintballing and then treating ourselves to a fast food snack after bingo on Tuesday, but we were worried we might bump into all-action hero and fine diner Kieran Gibbs so we nipped to the club shop at Villa Park to snap up their entire stock of Tim Sherwood gilets instead. 

All right, we didn’t, but those thrilling tidbits are about as interesting as football got this week. Unless you count tedious rumours of multimillion pound bids for players most of us have never heard of. Or equally tedious multimillion pound contract wrangles from players most of us don’t care about. Oh, and Emmanuel Adebayor’s yearly threat to fight for his place at Spurs. That’s it isn’t it? No? OK, Jermain Defoe scored a wonder goal for Sunderland, well done him. And Blackpool were relegated, leaving the fans far from egg-static (they threw eggs at the chairman, geddit? Oh never mind). 

Can’t think of anything else. Did Tottenham even play? Don’t think so. Nope, like I say, nothing to see here. Oh, who am I kidding? Truth is Spurs played a stinker at Burnley and missed the chance to go fifth. Or as Gary Neville “told” the, erm, Gary Neville Podcast, Tottenham have “gone over the top a bit”. Now, in my house, “going over the top” means Gran has whipped off her support tights and is breakdancing at the Christmas party; to Gaz Nev it means Spurs helped England out last week but were too leggy to get anything out of their 50th match of the season. There are fresh legs around, however, so come on Manu – put your money where your mouth is, fight for your place, and get us back on track. If you can…