Published: 20 February 2014
 

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

THIS column was up front last year and  I refer readers to Crow Column No 507 published last season in which it was specifically explained there’s no real joy in watching Arsenal in the Champions League and no further emotion should be invested in it. Every year, the same thing happens. Arsenal shine in parts during the group stages, drop away towards the end, qualify for the knockout stages anyway and then get booted out by one of the European big hawks.

Where’s the fun in that? I wouldn’t swap it for playing Tromso and Dnipro – whatever that means – but really, come on, the Champions League fizz always runs soft once the grandiose theme tune has finished and the matches begin. My heart is cold towards the whole circus of it all, hopes no longer raised.

And yet, despite this spoilt ambivalence to the actual CL games and the predictable course they take, the bizarre flipside is that qualifying for the blasted tournament takes on an exclusive importance during the rest of the year, as if not getting in it would be a sporting tragedy like no other. We were gasping for breath during the final moments of last season at Newcastle, teenagers again, fretting with worry. It wouldn’t have been a disaster. We wouldn’t have to see Bayern Munich school our team once a year.

The truth is, the only warming thing about being in this competition beyond a manic self-importance that comes with it, is that Arsenal's participation is nearly always at the expense of Spurs. Admit it, that's the only reason we still love it. Because we're in it – and they’re not. Kinda sad, but wonderful too.
 

TOTTENHAM by Catherine Etoe

IT’S been a slow few days for football but I guess it’s bound to be like that when you have to wait until Thursday for the biggest game of the week. (More on that Dnipro match next time folks.)

I’ve kept busy by raising money to buy Dave Giroud a pair of David Beckham Y-fronts to replace the dreadful posing pouch I spotted him wearing in a leading tabloid. My collecting bucket currently contains two peanuts, a marble and a dodgy pound coin. I did think about trying to fundraise for Jens Lehmann after his manbag was stolen – the couple of quid he offered on Twitter seemed a bit paltry for a sack containing the pitch-invading squirrel from the final European match at Highbury. But Gran told me to leave the grumpy German to his own devices and get raising dosh to travel to Toronto so she can tell Jermain Defoe how much she loved having him at Tottenham. Having missed him at the Everton game, she’s worried she’ll never get another chance to wave him off at the Lane before he joins the MLS.

What would really make her happy would be for Spurs to do an Ajax when a favourite player leaves before the fans have a chance to say farewell. The Dutch giants treated Christian Eriksen to flowers, fireworks and the chance to launch a few balls into row Z when he popped back there the other day – and he’s been at Tottenham since the summer!

I can’t see the same thing ever happening here. So, if we don’t get to say goodbye Jermain, we’ll save up to see you in Toronto.

And Dave Giroud will just have to buy his own pants.