Published: 27 November, 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

DEAR Sky Sports refunds department,

My name is Richard. I live in north London. Asking for a friend, but I was just wondering whether if it was at all possible to get some dosh back on the Sky Sports package?

This friend and I were planning to spend every weekend watching Super Sunday, glued to the sofa. 

We were going to be exhilarated by Martin Tyler’s chant of “AND IT'S LIIIVE” before every match. We were going to have crisps. And fizzy pop. We liked the theme music, the 

slow-mos, the studio bantz and the chance to watch Dutch football. We were even prepared to put up with Jamie Carragher, clutching for words as he desperately tried to sound as intelligent as Gary Neville.

It’s just when this friend (not me) signed up, all excited, he was told we were buying into a thrilling Premier League title race like last season with a nail-biting guessing game right to the end as to who was going to win it.

But six months early, we already know who has won, everybody does, so we were wondering if we could have the next six months of telly for free. This silly old friend says that Sky pumped loads of money into the game but helped create a climate where the team with the most money always triumphs. But he also says Sky will lose out if that climate lacks any real competitiveness. People won’t want to pay up for a league won in November, he reckons.

I don’t know, but I did say I’d write to you and ask if a refund was possible. Thanks for the memories and Geoff Shreeves.

SPURS by Catherine Etoe

HOW does that famous jibe of Arsene Wenger’s go? 

Everyone thinks they have a prettier wife at home? Well it turns out that some Arsenal fans actually think that Borussia Dortmund has the prettier wife of the two teams and they spent Wednesday night’s Champions League encounter fluttering their eyelashes at him like envious teenagers out on a double date. Poor old Basher, it’s only a few months since he won the FA Cup and everyone mothballed their “In Wenger we used to trust but actually we don’t any more so could you just leave quietly. Please?” banners. But then Arsenal went and topped off a dog’s dinner of a Premier League season by maintaining their impressive run of always losing to Moan Utd, and the knives were out.

“Wake up and smell the Lady Grey you Gooners,” spluttered Piers Morgan, the most famous Gooner in the history of Gooners, down the line to some fan phone-in or other after Arsenal had lost to the most boring Moan Utd side in living memory. But I won’t dwell, not just because we’re all a bit bored with the same old “Wenger out” tales, but because I don’t want to risk the ire of the woman who likes to jab me in the kidneys every time we pass in the street muttering: “What’s Arsenal got to do with you? Write about your own team Spud.”

That, my lovelies, is a lot easier this week after Tottenham unlocked the key to success in the Premier League this season – playing against 10 men. It’s not pretty and certainly isn’t the Tottenham way, but sometimes you have to play ugly. I hope we don’t make a habit of it though…