Published: 31 October, 2013

ARSENAL
30/10/13: MEMO to the legal department.

Just a quick note to let you all know that I will be using the terms “Quiet Hart Lane”, “Tottenham Hushspur”, “Ssshpurs” and the slightly more explicit “Spurs fans are really rubbish” in the Camden New Journal and Islington Tribune newspapers this season. Do not remove them before we go to press.

I know some of you “in legal” have raised concerns in the past about the possibility of a defamation case being brought by Spurs fans, who bizarrely insist that they are not really rubbish, despite a general acceptance across this city that they are.

But it was always a very flimsy suggestion that an action could be brought and just to reassure you that it is now 100 per cent official: Spurs fans are really rubbish. 

We can’t be got on a technicality.

This is no longer a debating point.

It is fact, confirmed by their own manager.

If you receive any legal letters in relation to The Crow column, please refer all correspondents to comments made Andre Villas-Boas.

He said quite clearly after their home match on Sunday against Hull City: “We didn’t have the support we should have done. We looked like the away team. We played in a difficult atmosphere with almost no support.” Case closed.

After all of those years of insisting Arsenal’s home ground should be known as “The Library”, it is now confirmed that it is actually Hushspur who play in virtual, pin drop silence over at Quiet Hart Lane.

All you guys in legal, btw, are welcome in the cinema room for the Champions League match next week. Drinks from 7pm.

Ta, Richard.
RICHARD OSLEY

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
AND, so the space set aside in the Emirates trophy cabinet for the League Cup remains empty for yet another year.

Ah well, maybe Mesut Özil can fill it with the Ballon d’Or he’s bound to win for having helped Real Madrid and Jose Mourinho win chuff all last season.

Or has he been nominated because he’s given Arsenal the oomph to draw with West Brom and beat Sunderland, Norwich and Crystal Palace this term?

I dunno! But with Arsenal currently toppermost tops of the Premier League because they’ve beaten Sunderland et al, I reckon he’s definitely on track to lift that gong come January.

Of course, Gooners may have to hope that none of the judges have tuned in to watch Arsenal’s last two home games; you wouldn’t want your mighty Ö to lose points on the Fifa Clap-o-Meter because the Gunners have turned out not to be so toppermost tops after all.

Still, whenever your dream of a Quadruple comes to an abrupt end, it’s probably best to look on the bright side.

And what I can tell you Arsenal fans is that your bright side is … at least losing in the League Cup to a Premier League side like Chelsea is less embarrassing than last year when you lost in the same competition to a League Two outfit like Bradford.

Doh, stupid me. I forgot that because Arsenal are the toppermost tops of the Premier League, losing in the League Cup to a scratch Chelsea side when you’ve got all your big guns out probably isn’t that much better after all. Hmm, Arsenal still to win the league anyone?

Maybe you really should hope Özil picks up that gong after all.
CATHERINE ETOE