ARSENAL
NOT a lotta people know this but in the film version of Sleuth, Michael Caine rips off a rubber mask thing to reveal his character has been in a crafty disguise all along, as an irritating inspector probing Laurence Olivier’s country pile. Oo-er…

For younger readers, Ted Danson pulls a similar rubber mask trick at the end of Three Men And A Little Lady, the notoriously undervalued sequel to Three Men And A Baby. Ted tears off a big rubber bald head-type thing and reveals he’s not a madcap vicar but one of the “dads”. I guess it happens in a lot of films actually, so often, in fact, who is to say it doesn’t actually happen in real life. The man next to you on the bus might be wearing a Ted Danson rubberhead thing right now. Touch it and see.

Don’t be surprised if this “Arsene Wenger” guy you see at these Arsenal press conferences will take off his glasses at the end of the season, peel away his slightly errant eyebrows, pop off his nose, remove his Ted Danson rubberwear – and then the big reveal: Osvaldo Ardiles will be sitting in front of us. Giggling. Ossie managed Spurs in the 1990s and was famous for a previously untried tactic of playing without defenders. The logic was if you just had attackers then at least you’d score a goal – and hopefully more than you’d let in.

Ossie was fired and the theory was forgotten. But look now, Arsenal are doing exactly the same thing, scoring bagloads but letting bagloads in too. It must be the rubber mask thing. That’s not Wenger. That's Osvaldo.
RICHARD OSLEY

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
YOU have to laugh. Because if you didn’t you’d cry… especially if you were one of the devoted few who’d plodded all the way up to Yorkshire, your head full of hope and expectation, only to return with your dreams shattered.

But enough of Arsenal’s nightmare against League Two Bradford. Boom, boom.

Ah, I’d forgotten how much a good old switcheroo can ease the pain of defeat. That’s probably because Spurs aren’t used to losing this season so this is the first time I’ve needed to resort to the second oldest trick in the Crow column handbook. Jokes are the first so how’s this for one – Wotsit Szczesny says Arsenal play like the best teams in Europe in training.

“Dunno why we play like Real Mallorca in matches though,” he muttered. He didn’t really. He wondered if Arsenal’s lack of quality in games was “down to what the opposition does”.

What’s that then Wotsit? Tackle? Graft? Play with heart? Take pride in the badge? Ah, now we’re back in Yorkshire where we’ve both been nobbled this season by footballers who know how to do all those things and a bit more besides.

Not to worry, at least my boys now have a clearer fixture list in the run-in. How did it go when Arsenal lost to League Two Bradford the other month? More time to concentrate on the league? Or was it Europe? Fourth place? Training? Mincing around like you play for Barcelona or Bayern?

How about just rolling your sleeves up, putting in a shift and making your fans proud? That’s not too much to ask. Is it?
CATHERINE ETOE