Published: 27 March 2014

ARSENAL by Richard Osley

EVEN if they use wizard language words which I don’t really understand, it won’t do mocking the breakdown of somebody else’s marriage. I saw some cruel jokes surfacing about Coldplay’s Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow after they announced they were no longer going steady. Let’s hope this doesn’t mean his music becomes sad and downbeat, the snarks snarked. But you know their wacky choice of words, “conscious uncoupling”, really sounds like a good way to describe the crusting relationship Arsenal fans are now having with Arsene Wenger as we reach the midnight hour.

I’m stealing the phrase. I’m consciously uncoupling myself from the Arsene Knows Best crew. It’s not nice to see the legend fished by the tackiness of Jose Mourinho on his 1,000th game and then not able to stir a big enough reaction to that humiliation in his 1,001th against Swansea. So the moment is there for him. The next two months could go a couple of ways. First Arsene wins the FA Cup at Wembley, at which point he can swap a post-match press conference for a cursory: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I bid you farewell, before hopping on a Harley and heading off into the sunset. Or, and please say it ain’t so, Arsene can fail to win the Cup, at which point he might as well meet such disaster by calling it quits with a final admission that it is impossible to score a goal if Mikkel Arteta only kicks the ball sideways.

The split may come even though we still, as Chris and Gwyneth, said “love each other very much”.

That’s conscious uncoupling, though. Something that sounds so wrong, might just be right.

TOTTENHAM by Catherine Etoe

DID I miss any important footy results while I was away in Patagonia sourcing a new poncho for Tim Sherwood? Nah?

Well that’s good because some funny things have happened since my return, chiefly Arsene Wenger saying that “an accident has happened” to Arsenal. Now I’m not trying to say I know better than a man who has managed a mediocre, sorry megastar, club like Arsenal for over 1,000 matches. But I have won more than Arsenal in the last six years (no one likes a show-off but I was a victor in a footy tournament in Beckton in 2009 and I played for Camden during the glorious winter of 2008 when we were crowned champions of a five-a-side league in Mile End). Heady days…  anyway, I reckon the silverware dangling from my bedpost gives me the right to say Arsene is wrong.

The Arsenal cleaner mistaking the highly-prized tumbleweed in the Emirates trophy cabinet for rubbish and sticking it in a black bin bag could be classed as an accident. Theo Walcott’s dog eating the only draft of TJ and the Season That Didn’t Pan Out The Way It Was Supposed To could also be construed as an accident. But losing 6-0 to Chelsea when you are supposedly winning the league this season is not something I’d class as an accident. Try embarrassment or humiliation, you know, the words you rubber necking Gooners trotted out whenever we’ve lost big this term. Now Tottenham winning in the dying seconds as we did on Sunday really does feel like an accident. But as Gooners now know, when the wheels have fallen off your season you’ll take anything you can get.

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