Published: 19 April, 2012
by RICHARD OSLEY

I’M afraid I am going to have to declare this year’s Premier League null and void on the grounds that every team in the whole division is a load of Mark Bright.

Arsenal lie third in the table despite having lost 10 matches already, including getting solid beats from Fulham, Swansea, Blackburn, QPR and now Wigan.

You have to ask: what the hell have the 17 teams below them been doing all season?

Watching telly?

Playing PlayStation?

Smoking cigars at the Monte Carlo casino?

Whatever they have been up to, they should all be ashamed of themselves.

All 17 of them.

Chelsea.

Spurs.

Stoke.

West Brom.

Wolves.

They should all be above the Gunners by now.

WE’VE LOST 10 TIMES.

And yet only Moan United and Money City can say they are right now.

City because they spent £9,823,123 billion pounds on players (ok, that’s a rough guess) and United because Ashley Young has won eight penalties over the season in a way Arsenal haven’t been able to do since Emmanuel Eboue departed.

The only possible conclusion to these sums is that the whole league thing is just a farce and we have as much business worrying about its outcome as Engelbert Humperdoodah’s attempt at winning the Eurovision song contest, any tournament in any sport broadcast by Eurosport or the 50km walk in the Olympics, which should have been banned for cruelty to all concerned many decades ago.

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