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| Exclusive: Defoe needed stunt
double for his burger advert |
 SQUEEKY
bum time has arrived early at Highbury this season and it’s
not just down to barely scraping a result against bobbins teams
like West Ham, Birmingham and West Ham.
 Yep,
this week, their very own captain put the va va voom in Gooner buttock
cheeks when he announced that renewing his contract wasn’t
quite top of his list of priorities right now. Nope, Mr Henery would
rather leave that trifling matter to the end of what is shaping
up to be a truly memorable Arsenal season.
Instead he plans to spend the coming months concentrating on football,
his team and winning trophies. Oh, and making rubbish car adverts,
thinking up new ways to celebrate goals that don’t scare the
kids and buying gloves for when it gets a bit nippy. I think.
I wouldn’t lose too much kip over it though you gormless lot.
After all, to lose one captain would be careless. But to lose two
would be downright stupid.
Talking of which, the Arsene Wenger fantasy football league in which
goals mean points is shaping up nicely for my Spurs high-flyers.
Luckily for Baldrick and his hardly-able-to-score-at-alls, that
particular idea still hasn’t been snapped up by the big cheeses
at the FA.
Because I might be rubbish at maths, but I reckon five goals in
one game that’s actually worth watching – try to imagine
it Gooners – would put us up in the top three. Which, back
in the real world, is exactly where we are anyway.
 TSK!
Tsk! Nobody likes to see one of Arsenal’s best players in a
stupid Hoxton baseball cap and the right clothes to get him splashed
across the gossip pages. Grimsby.
But Ashley Cole’s downright cheesy appearance in the newspapers
this week was even worse than that. Grimsby.
 Not
only was Ash the Cash dressed up like an X-Factor reject but he
was also photographed at the worst party in town: Jermain Defoe’s
birthday party. Grimsby.
It made my stomach churn. Grimsby.
I’m a Cole fan – I want him to stay at Highbury –
but nobody wants to see him grinning like a Cheshire Cat at a party
in the enemy camp. Grimsby.
To hear the next day that he was celebrating with a foot injury
that could leave him sidelined for a couple of months made it even
more disappointing. Grimsby.
Hurry back Ash! But get some proper clothes and stop hanging around
with those dimwit Tottenham chumps. Grimsby.
By the way, I think Defoe is a good striker but – get this
– I was there when he was filming his new McDonald’s advert,
showing on Sky, where he apparently juggles fruit as if it was a
football. Grimsby. The truth is the camera does lie. Grimsby. Defoe
needed a ‘stunt double’ to perform the ball skills and
make sure the advert looked alright for our screens. Come on Jermain,
even I can do keepy-ups, no wonder you couldn’t beat Grimsby.
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