AS that old has-been Alex Ferguson once said, it’s squeaky bum time of year again.
Chelsea boss David Pleat, sorry, Jose Mourinho, knows all about that after Ronaldinho’s D.I.S.C.O goal at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night. But sadly for the Reds, buttock cheeks are likely to remain tightly shut at the Theatre of Cheating Keepers this season.
The same will go for you Gooners too, if your Invisibles don’t pull their fingers out in Europe. Your lot were about to try and save their Champions League blushes as this column went to press on Wednesday night. Chances are they might turn things around at the Library, although if Saturday was anything to go by, it won’t be thanks to the crowd.
I know Pompey, thinking they’d come to play a game of five-a-side in one half of the pitch (their own), didn’t exactly help. But a baby with colic, teething problems and twitchy parents could have slept in the Clock End for those 90 minutes.
At this rate, Highbury chiefs may have to bring in a professional to raise you from your stupor.
Thing is, I suspect that, even if Delia offered to come round to your Hertfordshire homes and personally teach each and every one of you gormless Gooners how to boil an egg in return for a tad more noise, she still wouldn’t be having you.

JUST blank it out. Never thought they were going to win 2-0 anyway, so just blank it out.
Instead of letting the Champions League exit ruin your week, month, season – just do the Sound of Music trick of thinking of your favourite things.
Instead of wondering why Arsenal made so few chances against Bayern Munich in a match they had to win 2-0, think of bright copper kettles.
Chelsea are through and Arsenal are not – think of brown paper packages tied up with string.
Jens Lehman must not cross your mind – it must be whiskers on kittens instead.
OK, so this pick me up isn’t working and that song is annoying. Dame Julie Andrews you are rubbish. I blame you for this. I blame the Von Trapp family. I blame whatever animal has to die to make schnitzel. I blame Jurgen Klinsmann and Rudi Voller. I blame Oliver Kahn for his ridiculous shorts and rubbish hair. I blame the referee, I blame the composer of that stupid Champions League theme. I blame Owen Hargreaves, again the gripe is hair related.
I blame Catherine Etoe. I blame everyone.
Really sad thing is, at the end of the day Arsenal can only blame themselves. I feel sick.